Those are the umlauts.” Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased father’s things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. “Here, boy,” he replies. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. Mit Flexionstabellen der verschiedenen Fälle und Zeiten Aussprache und relevante Diskussionen Kostenloser Vokabeltrainer How will you escape this highly dangerous situation? “Did you hit him with the golf club?” “Yes, I did,” sobs the woman. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”. “If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.” “I know,” says the second dog owner. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast? One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! Snake 1: I just bit my lip. “He seems fine now,” says the vet. I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Is that you?”. Now he’s the village blacksmith. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. A+ Customer service! BEWARE OF DOG! Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?” Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Should be fun, but it costs $500. These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Abo Formation [New Mexico] Abo-Formation {f} geol. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! I said to her, “Everything is so so white Grandma doesn’t even know where the road is.” She innocently replied, “Grandma, it’s under the snow.” Submitted by Bonnie Gronning, There is a lot of competition for parking at the local dental office, hence the sign: “Dental office parking only. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his driver’s license. “Awesome!” he shouts. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”. “But it was me first day with the hook.”. I’m a lawyer’s genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double.” After thinking a moment, the man says, “For my first wish, I would like $10 million.” “Lawyers will get $20 million,” the genie reminds him. “A talking clock? “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”. To review this information or withdraw your consent please consult the, Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca. With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Daddy! “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Being broken up with. Ten what? “You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.” Anonymous, …After security tackles you on the red carpet? Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes! These smart light bulb jokes are truly illuminating. “I remember the day I earned my first dollar,” he said. Es gibt keine Kündigungsfrist und im Regelfall auch keine Mindestlaufzeit. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! When I’m done, poof! Why would you post that sign?” “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” Submitted by L.B. A: Get off the carousel. Don’t miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. These hilarious school stories are guaranteed to give you a laugh. How’s it work?” “Watch,” said the drunk. Though most of these stories have been written for children, readers of all ages will enjoy these skillfully told tales. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”, “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? That’s why this suit is only $30.”, Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. The bartender shakes his head. “The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned.”, Mrs. Smith wails, “Oh, the poor man! Except at a funeral.” — Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.”, The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. “Oops.” Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?” “Honest?” replies the lawyer. ... Mein Englisch ist nicht unbedingt der Wahnsinn und hier und da lohnt ein Blick in einen Übersetzer, aber im Großen und Ganzen erschließt sich der Text durch die ausdrucksstarken Bilder von ganz allein. Then I served my country in Iraq. Satisfaction Guaranteed! It says, ‘Do not feed. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? “Five, six, maybe seven times. Mediaplanet Pets From Activities to Activism: What Tika the Iggy Wants Dog Owners to Know. Don’t miss this roundup of the funniest one-liners on the Internet. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night.” “How do you put up with it?” “I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.” Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?” Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.” I’ve never seen anyone run that fast! It all happened so fast.”. Check out these funny political quotes you can’t help but laugh at. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. Nurse: When? Submitted by Ken MacKay. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”. The gentleman walked over, sat beside her, ordered a drink, then turned to her to ask, “Tell me, good-looking, do I come here often?” Submitted by Bill Warren. “How are you feeling?” she asks. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? This is an ex-library book and may have the usual library/used-book markings inside.This book has hardback covers. Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. (collection of condensed works) compendiu s.n. About this Item: London, Reader's Digest Association PTY Limited, 1960. gebundene Ausgabe. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. “Not yet.”. 1. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. I was looking for $150.” Anonymous, A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. Kündigungsfrist bei Reader's Digest Falls nicht vertraglich anders vereinbart, lässt sich das Reader's-Digest-Abo jederzeit zur nächsten Ausgabe kündigen. “Mr. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Why? The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.” The defendant leaps to his feet. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. “Think about it,” the professor answered. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! © 2020 Reader’s Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), This site uses “cookies” for the purposes set out in our Privacy Policy. “And what was that?” “It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.” Submitted by Gene Newman. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”, A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. It delves into the world of people-watching, infidelity, and alcoholism, and how each of these aspec… “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. You have 30 more years to live.”. Home The 7 Best Space Heaters of 2020. “I’m putting on my shoes!” Anonymous. These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart! Want to turn someone’s frown upside down? When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Submitted by Wendy Davis, My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. A young monk arrives at the monastery. “Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw. Das Geld für bereits bezahlte, aber … substantiv neutru : Desemnează în general obiecte și se deosebește prin faptul că la singular se numără ca un substantiv masculin, iar la plural ca un substantiv feminin: un creion , două creioane , un obiect , două obiecte , un articol , două articole . Me: Yes. George ignored her and walked away. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Snake 2: I don’t know. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!” He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.” Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!” I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.” Submitted by Colin Campbell, “If you understand English, press 1. “And what sort of case was that?” “My father sued me for the money.” Submitted by Dee Hudson. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. “Lord,” he prays. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. 50 Problem Solving Presents Under $50: The Great Canadian Gift Guide, Finding a Purpose and Second Family with the War Amps, The Everlasting Bond Between a Dog and its Owner, The Highest-Rated Movies on Netflix Canada, According to Rotten Tomatoes. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”, Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Check out our best short jokes! Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldn’t quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not 50! Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?” The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. I’m 49.95.” When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, “Yes, but how much with tax?” Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. Do you believe in God?”, I said, “Me, too! “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”, Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, “I’m sorry I gave you a jolt—it was my fault.” “No, it was mine,” the driver said. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. “Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”, “Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. Set during the 1889 Oklahoma Land Rush, Cimarron laid the groundwork for the epics that would expand Hollywood’s audiences across the globe—not to mention the type of film Academy voters would quickly favour. I’ll tell you what—never again. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isn’t Google. Next week is his First Communion.”, “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. Then they responded, confused, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re at Tim Hortons.” Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. The light goes on. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. Short stories, and even simple poems, are perfect. Here are some funny jokes to defuse an awkward situation. So now I got me a wooden peg.”, “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant? Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. Readers Digest has been publishing this book for decades, they know their stuff. “George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group. Get creative with our hilarious knock-knock jokes that everyone can laugh at. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. Submitted by C.A. Reader's Digest — Reader’s Digest ([ˈɹiːdɚz ˈdaɪdʒɛst], englisch für Kurzfassung, Auszug) ist eine Zeitschrift mit internationaler Verbreitung, die sich darauf spezialisiert, Artikel anderer Zeitschriften in gekürzter Form nachzudrucken. $10 fine. “What are you complaining about?” he fires back. You won’t believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. “I can’t stand this. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. After a few minutes, the bird yells, “Where’s my scotch? That’s why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.” — Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. Everyone loves a great knock-knock joke. These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! You won’t believe these funny classified ads actually ran! A blind man visits Texas. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. – Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! “That’s my twin sister. The Reader’s Digest Home Tech Buying Guide. You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”. Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”, I said, “Me, too! “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous. The Gift of the Magi – O. Henry. “What are they used for?” the captain asks. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. “And for a shave?” “Five dollars.” “All right,” he said, settling into the barber chair. I told them: “I understand. I’ve used too much!” Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. “Ugh!” the student groaned. “I don’t know,” she replies. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”. Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Don’t miss these bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.” Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. “What’s wrong?”, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse. Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences. “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says. Submitted by Hoss Alfred. These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office. fünf Tage vor Monatsende. Die verkaufte Auflage liegt bei knapp 306.000 Exemplaren (Stand 2016), wobei der Anteil an Frauen unter der Leserschaft 59 Prozent beträgt und die Zeitschrift zudem von überdurchschnittlich gebildeten Personen ab einem Alter von 45 Jahren gelesen wird. “You cheap bum!” she yells. “He knows when to stop.” Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. 91. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”, The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”, First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”, He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”, He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”, The second guy sees this and does the same thing. “We missed the R! Oh look, just put me down for five.” Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: “What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen?” “He did what any honest man would do,” said the witness. Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”, It’s the big day, a decade later. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect. “I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.” “What did he say?” the nurse asks. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’” Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. VIDEO Ghostly Orbs at Tullynally Castle, County Westmeath, Ireland. Watch More videos. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes,” replies the woman. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”, The guy is flabbergasted. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. “Can’t you just tell me?” Submitted by Dana Thayer. Used items may not include supplementary materials such as CDs or access codes. It read, “Mr. The jury comes back with the verdict. Later, they order an other round. We missed the R! Submitted by Barthelemy Petro. “Shave my head.” Submitted by Abdulmajeed Mamudu, Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night. A big book is a lot to to digest verdauen digest. “That night I went to a church meeting and the speaker told us about his humanitarian work.