“You’re it!” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. The odds that I got mugged twice last year because I look like the kind of guy that would calculate those odds? I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!” He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.” Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospital’s emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, “You’ve been bar-coded!” I, being 72, added, “Long past the best-before date.” Submitted by Colin Campbell, “If you understand English, press 1. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. When she put the saucer on the floor, he was surprised. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. Don’t miss these funny tweets every parent can relate to. After they were caught, they finished each other’s sentences. The person on the other side of the intercom replied, “Pardon me?” so I repeated myself. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. She glares at the other little boy and asks, “What do you want for breakfast? I used to be freaked out too when I was alive.” I’ve never seen anyone run that fast! So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! In fact, my name is Murphy.”, “Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”, “Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. Me: Do you think this is the right career for you? He never had a chance!”, The man says, “I don’t know about that. Nurse: When? The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. “My life is a mess,” he says. Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”, I said, “Me, too! “Honey, what’s for supper?”. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.”, “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Weinstein. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”, The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”, First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”, He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”, He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”, The second guy sees this and does the same thing. Now he won’t come when I call him. Young children have a unique superpower: place a toddler in a queen-sized bed and they will find a sleeping position that ensures no one else can fit in there with them. © 2020 Reader’s Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), This site uses “cookies” for the purposes set out in our Privacy Policy. These are the funniest lawyer jokes of all time. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case. “Please, not while I’m eating.” Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. Drain maintenance nch europe water drink reminder s bei google play battery drains faster while running the der neue pennsylvanische staatsbote benungsanleitung polaroid 636 Track Definition Und Synonyme Von Im Wörterbuch DeutschBegritfe Und Formulierungen Der Briggs Englisch Deutsch A B 21Installations Und Betriebsanleitung Deutsch Bekomat 21 21proBobb Biehl Es Mypic … “Think about it,” the professor answered. Reader's Digest Deutschland: Verlag Das Beste GmbH - Vordernbergstraße 6, 70191 Stuttgart “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. '” Submitted by John Langley. Enjoy your hobby — in English Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. First Edition. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. BEWARE OF DOG! “That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. substantiv neutru : Desemnează în general obiecte și se deosebește prin faptul că la singular se numără ca un substantiv masculin, iar la plural ca un substantiv feminin: un creion , două creioane , un obiect , două obiecte , un articol , două articole . The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”. Now he’s the village blacksmith. For more groan-worthy humour, find out what would happen if the person who named walkie-talkies named everything. “No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. I said, “Don’t do it!”, He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Protestant or Catholic?”, I said, “Me, too! Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. (stomach) ((mide)) sindirmek, hazmetmek geçişli f.: digest vtr transitive verb: Verb taking a direct object--for example, "Say something." “Ugh!” the student groaned. A man is on trial for armed robbery. She’s been here six months. “Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now.” “Actually,” she replied, “the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. About this Item: reader's digest services pty ltd sydney, 1982. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Though most of these stories have been written for children, readers of all ages will enjoy these skillfully told tales. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. Don’t miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out for—and their best jokes. Snake 2: I don’t know. It delves into the world of people-watching, infidelity, and alcoholism, and how each of these aspec… After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious. While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, “DISARM TODAY!” On the other side, it said, “DAT ARM TOMORROW.” Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people don’t usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, “Parking fine.” That was very nice of them! !” Doctor: “Nine.”. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”, “Yeah,” answered the second doctor. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, “Where do you get your mussels?” The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, “Cross-training?” Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: What’s Edith Piaf’s favourite airline? Kündigungsfrist bei Reader's Digest Falls nicht vertraglich anders vereinbart, lässt sich das Reader's-Digest-Abo jederzeit zur nächsten Ausgabe kündigen. 150 Best Reader’s Digest Jokes of All Time Compiled by Andy Simmons, RD.com and Robert Liwanag, readersdigest.ca Updated: Feb. 10, 2020 Our editors say these classic Reader's Digest jokes make them laugh every single time. The son comes home in the afternoon. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. I’ll tell you what—never again. After several readings, I couldn’t find my mistake. So she brought me in the next day, took me to the manager and said, ‘Okay, here you go!’” Submitted by Andy Fielding, I was skyping with my three-year-old grandson when he suddenly announced, “You can come out of the computer now, Grandma!” Submitted by June Pearson, I was driving my three-year-old granddaughter, Nevaeh, to daycare one morning after a heavy snowfall. "She found the cat." “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.” Anonymous, …After security tackles you on the red carpet? 91. “No, it doesn’t.” “Yes, it does. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his driver’s license. “That’s Mum’s side.”. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. Lernen Sie die Übersetzung für 'readers digest' in LEOs Englisch ⇔ Deutsch Wörterbuch. And what, may I ask, are you?” The cat replies, “Um, I’m a gnome.” Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? “Could I have a few words with George?” Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes,” replies the woman. A: A steeping bag. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb?” Says the chicken, “Sorry, but that’s the subject of another joke.” Submitted by Gary Johnston. It all happened so fast.”. “But it was me first day with the hook.”. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo. The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”. “From the next room over, my dad yelled, “She’s money laundering!” Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.” Anonymous. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldn’t quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, “I’m not 50! Me: 2011. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”, Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Sponsored. “So, as you can see,” I said, “I’m doing a lot more than inflating at my desk.” I got the raise. “George, everyone who sees it there will know what you’re doing,” she told him in front of their church group. My Uncle G: You’re going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? “Wow, this bed is big!”. Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, “Who folded the moon?” Submitted by Julianna Waldner. When I’m done, poof! “He seems fine now,” says the vet. Contribute To Our Canada And Get A FREE 1-Year Gift Subscription Upon Publication! We recommend our users to update the browser. A husband texts his wife on a frosty winter morning: “Window’s frozen!” His wife texts back, “Pour lukewarm water over it.” Five minutes later he replies: “Computer completely messed up now.” Submitted by Catherine Hiscox. “They’re full of small bells.”. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Then I served my country in Iraq. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. Digital newsstand featuring 7000+ of the world’s most popular newspapers & magazines. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”, Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes! The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. Here Are 5 Possible Reasons Why, A Trick For Storing Paint Brushes Overnight. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. FREE PDF & INTERACTIVE E-MAGAZINES. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. The 2020 Reader’s Digest Most Trusted Brands in America. Instantly, the car appears on the beach. Restraint and moderation, rather than agitational language and partisanship, are the hallmarks of the paper. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. “The steaks are too high.” Submitted by Tommy Cooper, As an assisted-living caregiver, I have a 92-year-old client, Margaret, with whom I bake cookies. “And how long has it been since your last confession?”, “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting.’ So we stopped playing chess.”—Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smith’s door and says, “There’s been an accident at the brewery. Impress a history buff with these hilarious history jokes. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. Then they responded, confused, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you’re at Tim Hortons.” Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. 1. Submitted by Lucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”, He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says. The light goes off.”. Does your workplace tend to be a little tense? “Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”, A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. O. Henry was the pseudonym of the American writer William Sydney Porter (September 11, 1862 – June 5, 1910). His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Make every day a great day with these funny jokes about life that will make each day a little brighter. Next, he moves into the dining room. Everyone loves a great knock-knock joke. Later, they order an other round. Don’t miss these perfectly-timed photos of funny farm animals. Inhaltsverzeichnis 1… … We missed the R! Why would you post that sign?” “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.” Submitted by L.B. Get creative with our hilarious knock-knock jokes that everyone can laugh at. “What’s your last wish?” “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.” Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Don’t Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.” Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. These clever jokes could make anyone sound smart! The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”, The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! “The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor. Check out our best short jokes! On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. “Awesome!” he shouts. The light goes on. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. These cheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). So, read in small bites. The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. A: Get off the carousel. About this Item: London, Reader's Digest Association PTY Limited, 1960. gebundene Ausgabe. “That’s him,” comes the reply. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. Watch More videos. “You cheap bum!” she yells. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. Months? Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? Up in heaven, she sees God. These wise—and often hilarious—quotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! geol. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back. “How do you know?” “My dog told me.” Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. “Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”, “Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. All images are copyrighted to their respective owners. VIDEO Ways to Remove … “But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks. Finally, he hollers, “Hey! Ten what? Submitted by Terry Sangster, A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. !”, The second boy says, “Well, I sure don’t want the @#$%^& pancakes!”, An old man goes to confession. Next week is his First Communion.”, “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. We’ll we’ll we’ll…if it isn’t autocorrect. Reader's Digest Atlas of the Bible: an Illustrated Guide to the Holy Land was written by a person known as the author and has been written in sufficient quantity fabulous of interesting books with a lot of presentation Reader's Digest Atlas of the Bible: an Illustrated Guide … Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. If you do not understand English, press 2.” – Recording on an Australian tax help line. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.”. Explore releases from the Das Beste Aus Reader's Digest label. A car hit an elderly man. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. The Gift of the Magi – O. Henry. “And what was that?” “It’s just as I thought—you don’t know.” Submitted by Gene Newman. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! Later they get together. It doesn’t have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out these funny math jokes! I’ve used too much!” Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. Oh yes—the news. He never did any of that!”. Seated at the bar was a fine-looking lady of a certain age. (understand) anlamak, kavramak, idrak etmek geçişli f. (mecazlı (bilgi, vb.)) Startled, the driver went through a red light and almost hit a bus before he pulled over. Then she called, “Here, kitty…” Submitted by Khalid Khan. A+ Customer service! You won’t believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “No,” he responded. Reader's Digest wendet sich nach eigenen Angaben an Menschen aus der aktiven Mitte, die auf echte Werte setzen. While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. Used items may not include supplementary materials such as CDs or access codes. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”, Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. A man is struggling to find a parking space. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. “Did you hit him with the golf club?” “Yes, I did,” sobs the woman. Es gibt keine Kündigungsfrist und im Regelfall auch keine Mindestlaufzeit. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. He’s done it again!”, “When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. It can only become stairs.” – Mitch Hedberg, “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” –Phyllis Diller. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. $10 fine. “He doesn’t look at all dangerous to me. My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “It’s not a gong. Do you want to get a drink?” “I heard you the first time!” says a small, irritated voice. Weeks? I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. “How are you feeling?” she asks. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. He tells the priest that on Friday night, he’d been in the bar when he met a young woman. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: “My friend and I aren’t able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am.” Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. “Mr. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”, The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”, “Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing.”, “There’s a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. These funny work cartoons were made for sharing at the office. “You haven’t been here a while, haven’t you?” I asked. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. – Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Enjoy unlimited reading on up to 5 devices with 7-day free trial. Should be fun, but it costs $500. The apprentice did just as he was told. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. A blind man visits Texas. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. "She found the cat." “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”, Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, “Even if you were an only child, you still wouldn’t be Mom and Dad’s favourite.” Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Check out these funny political quotes you can’t help but laugh at. “Yes,” says the waiter. “This is my first day driving a cab. Reader's Reader's Digest Reading Reading-Formation Readout-Gradient Ready Ready Rubbed Tabak Readymade ... die noch nicht in diesem Wörterbuch enthalten sind? As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”. Ihre erste Ausgabe trifft schon wenige Tage nach Bestelleingang bei Ihnen ein, die Folgeausgaben jeweils ca. These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. “Wow these drinks are big!”, The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. Submitted by Reid Faylor. Start your day with our daily jokes that bring a great laugh. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. ... Business Spotlight, das Übungsheft Plus und den Audio-Trainer können Sie schnell und einfach in unserem Abo-Shop bestellen. “Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper. “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. We recommend our users to update the browser. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. The jury comes back with the verdict. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. There they taught me how to be neutral. I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because they’ve found their inner peas. © 2020 Reader’s Digest Magazines Ltd. - All rights reserved, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), This site uses “cookies” for the purposes set out in our Privacy Policy.