I am interested in an open/poly relationship, and my partner isn’t. One of my commenters runs a blog that deals a lot with being monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. Until recently, I didn't think an open marriage was for me, but after seeing more chatter about the concept online, I'm seriously considering it, and want to ask my husband his thoughts. You may just be at that point in your relationship where it is clear that you want different things. You’re being faithful to your partner without being dishonest with yourself. Now, every time I want … And I think it is making it a little less painful dealing with jealousy, if you would date around aswell and … I am extremely upset. It is not your fault for failing to explain it to them correctly; it is not a matter of finding the right argument to convince them. I wanted to be in a relationship that supported my deepest desires and supported the deepest desires of my partner or partners. Man A: Yes, I am right now. If your partner doesn’t want to try polyamory or an open relationship, they can say no. I really want to be a mum one day but my partner doesn't want any more kids Credit: Getty - Contributor I am 27 and he is 34. One partner in a polyamorous relationship may also identify as monogamous, and those are called poly-mono relationships. I’ve never acted on them, but to continue to deny their existence is growing difficult and somewhat heartbreaking. There are 10 good reasons Why Polyamory would Never Work Long-Term … yes I will probably get some flack from the poly communities, but put your thinking cap on and hear me out as to why polyamory isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Join our e-mail list to receive LEO exclusives and special offers on tickets and giveaways. about it, even if she doesn’t like it. I would worry that maybe my partner was being genuine about wanting to remain in the relationship while also exploring being with other people but then, inadvertently, fall in love with someone else and leave me. And you may understand them all. Her fears are just as real as your desires. Your partner doesn’t “let” you be poly any more than you “let” your partner be a doctor or “let” your partner eat eggs for breakfast. It doesn’t mean you’re backwards or want to live in the 50s. I recommend GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT by Harville Hendrix. From then on, I have been monogamous. A conclusion that I can easily come to, though, is that you appear to already have a good grasp on the best way to handle this situation. sometimes people use polyamory to have multiple sex partners, sometimes people use polyamory to provide intimacy to multiple romantic partners. My friends tell me poly people don't have to break up since you can be with more than 1 person. You're a cheater. And no means no. He doesn’t want to risk himself for a one and only. Maybe she’s being static out of fear or maybe she just doesn’t have much tolerance for chaos of the heart. Not poly While I struggled to imagine what I’d do in your situation if I were you, it’s so easy for me to imagine the fears I’d have if I were her and a partner came to me wanting to be poly/open. When Monogomy and Poly Intersect. But you won’t know until y’all actually sit down and have that discussion she’s been avoiding. I do feel like more of my needs would be met with poly because one person cannot fill all of them, but it isn’t something I think about or feel often. My official "day" Job is 3rd Level support at Poly but I am unable to provide official support via the community.-----Notice: This community forum is not an official Poly support resource, thus responses from Poly employees, partners, and customers alike are best-effort in … We need the person we fell in love with to remain the same. That’s because he took the time to invest in quality. I don’t want my wife having another relationship, I just want her physical needs met where I cannot meet them. * Bad ways involve pressure and judgement. What should I do? My husband dropped the Poly Bomb. My childhood sweetheart proposed to be my next husband, my late husband agreed, and I was poly for the next three years until my late husband died. I just realized I’m poly and my girlfriend might want to end the relationship; Tags faq, mono/poly, coming out poly, polyamory, poly advice ← FAQ: My partner wants to try polyamory, but I don't. For me, a man's decision to get engaged and walk down the aisle with me is the only way I'd ever believe him when he says he loves me. I dont get why they have to change. Some of us are static in love. It doesn’t relate to #3 now. I would be afraid that what they really wanted was to leave the relationship and wanted to be poly/open so they could be anchored in love while they sought out a new love. That’s often what we’re really struggling with when we think we don’t have the answers. There’s a small little urge in me that’s like, Oh, I want him to like me. In some cases, the person writing to me hasn’t ever broached the topic with their partner, but just assumes their partner wouldn’t be okay with it. Why can't you try Poly aswell? He had another partner that he was with before we started dating and during our relationship. Be clear about your reasons for making this choice and be able to enumerate … He said he doesn't need a piece of paper to prove to me or anyone else that he's committed, but I don't agree. If you were in my position, how would you approach this issue? “Even when a given partner doesn't want to be jealous or possessive, monogamy is so heavily ingrained in our culture some people just can't get there." * Bad ways involve pressure and judgement. Looking for the secret magic trick to changing your partner’s mind is not the way to go about it. And no means no. I want to open my relationship, but my partner is jealous and insecure about my past with other people, I just realized I’m poly and my girlfriend might want to end the relationship. Upon realizing I was poly, I had a talk with my partner. My (25f) partners (26m) other partner decided she doesn’t want him to be poly anymore My boyfriend and I are poly, and we’ve lived together a year. My advice there is to be very careful about keeping desires separate: “I want to date this specific person” and “I want to have the opportunity to date polyamorously” are very different things. Not poly My partner does not want to. But after going through two divorces because of my partners’ infidelity, dating a poly man *hurts*. One of the other, forget about being polyamorous, or leave my … “Their age may not be the only reason, they may also be worried about age-related fertility, or health complications. Your partner has a thousand good reasons s/he doesn't want children. I am interested in an open/poly relationship, and my partner isn’t. My boyfriend and I are in our mid-twenties and have been together for 7 years. She avoids any conversation on the subject and insist that all I want to do is sleep around, which is not true. I love her deeply, but I can’t deny feelings I have for others. I'm a feminist, a writer, and a mama living in the western US. I also want everyone to like me. Because she did this without my consent, I consider this cheating. Only problem is they don’t seem interested in meeting and I was hoping they would because I want all of us to get along. If you’re thinking you should stay the course even though your relationship is unfulfilling, remember that life is too short to stay unhappy when there is a way out. I’m trying to figure out when he would want to have a conversation and when he doesn’t. In some cases, it is the appearance of a new potential partner that has spurred someone’s interest in polyamory. So, how can you close the distance between the two of you, so you can both get your needs fulfilled? Another reader asks how she can protect others from an ex-colleague who may have assaulted three women. But my boyfriend doesn’t want children, and I have to respect that. There isn't any hard data on how successful this tends to be, Winston said, but there are some rather robust online communities of poly-mono people who are happy. However, there are good and bad ways of talking about it. You can always change your mind, of course; but don’t live with one foot in and one foot out. I would be afraid it would just hurt too much to try. He wasn’t comfortable with it at first, but now, he seems to be dating women left and right! It’s not true at all, but it’s still powerful messaging for your partner to push past and believe you when you say it isn’t true. I love her deeply, but I can’t deny feelings I have for others. Even if the vast majority of poly people do something a certain way, if your partner says that doesn’t work for him, he doesn’t have to do it. I feel confined in my sexuality or sexual expression, but I don’t want to lose my partner. Exactly what my therapist tells me when I try to justify why a guy hasn't committed after six months and no declarations of monogamy because "he has a lot on his plate at work right now." Things you don’t want to admit you need from your partner, but the lack of which can reduce even the calmest and most collected person into a train wreck. Btw people say poly people love just as strong as mono people but how is that possible when a poly partner will leave a mono partner for not choosing to try to be poly usually for someone else. Whether you’re polyamorous or not doesn’t determine whether you feel jealousy – however, it does change the way you manage jealousy within your relationships. But I think it is easier, if you could share similar experiences. January 24, 2020. In some cases, the monogamous partner’s reluctance stems from a specific issue that can be addressed. I’m of the opinion that she’s done irreparable damage to our relationship by even bringing this idea up. Good ways involve exploration and revelation but don’t involve pressure for something to be *done right now. What Should I Do? If you want to be poly and your partner does not you should just break up. I’ve never acted on them, but to continue to deny their existence is growing difficult and somewhat heartbreaking. Monogamy doesn’t work. About 2 months ago I started dating my long term friend, who I also clicked with. We try to help you in your dilemma by looking at what options are available when one of you wants a pet and the other doesn't. He doesn't want to lose his family & I still love him, so I'm staying. And if I'm in a committed relationship with a single monoamorous person, then my being poly has nothing to do with my existing relationship. ... To learn more about my poly friendly therapy approach and to see if working together is the best fit for you, contact me and schedule a Poly-Coach Session today! Every time he’s gone for the weekend, I go through fits of anxiety based on my fears of being left for another woman yet again. This means that there’s always going to be a bit of unfairness going on, and that it often will result in people trying to “poach” time or resources from other people – either consciously or unconsciously. I have BEEN poly. I've been married before, and I want the marriage as a sense of security and way of saying, "We're in this together." When Monogomy and Poly Intersect. My partner does have more of a drive for casual relationships whereas I’m not as bothered if I don’t go out on a date for months. Whatever choice you make, it’s important to make it with clear eyes and a commitment to making it work. FAQ: I want to try polyamory, but my partner doesn’t. Get clear about what you want from a relationship and what she is capable of giving to this relationship. I've been practicing polyamory for over eight years now. Even when poly relationships don’t involve ranks by name, there’s still going to be a tendency for one partner to get more out of the relationship than the others. In those cases, I try to give advice about how to address that specific issue with gentleness, honesty, and growth in mind. Tl;dr: Is a bird in the hand always better than two in the bush? I dunno that I’m cut out for that poly life because just thinking about maneuvering the emotions and additional logistics of seeing multiple people has me exhausted. Amplifying Melanated Voices - polyamory & non-monogamy, Amplifying Melanated Voices - reproductive justice, Amplifying Melanated Voices - sexual wellness. So, I imagine you already know what comes next. Posted in Uncategorized at 10:14 am by Kathleen. And who wants to think about not being enough for their partner who they thought deeply loved them? I’m committed to monogamy for my partner - should I tell him about my feelings for other people? My conjecture: it is always better to talk about your expectations about each other than not, and if you find something would hurt you that your partner doesn’t want to do *right now*, make a rule about it. "My only advice, other than to leave, would be to have a conversation about why one doesn't want kids and why one does." Welcome to Polyamory Advice! 4. Most importantly, don’t sit in this all alone. I’m not sure what I should do. What to do if your partner doesn’t want to have sex If your partner doesn’t seem interested in having sex, the best thing you can do is talk about it. "I'm poly and have another partner, but my husband doesn't know." What will really happen is that their partner will end up on the back burner. I have no desire to be poly myself. So, I’d really have to flex my imagination skills to figure out what I’d do in your position. I feel confined in my sexuality or sexual expression, but I don’t want to lose my partner. One of my partners doesn't want to meet my other partner. If you “need” to date multiple people its so selfish to expect them to change to a poly relationship if they don’t seem thrilled. And I’d be the fool for inviting this dynamic into our lives. It was situational though. This comes at no cost as long as what your partner wants doesn’t change, so there is absolutely no possible downside from this. In all cases, it is an unfortunate fact that sometimes, relationships just don’t work out because you discover that you want different things. In the same way, his realization that he is poly means that he has realized that he'd be okay with being with more than one person at a time. I Want to Explore Polyamory, My Partner Doesn’t. Maybe he just has never met his one and only. No, honey you're not poly. Sometimes, all you want is one person – your partner – which is fine. I recommend GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT by Harville Hendrix. This is tender terrain, but other couples have successfully navigated it. You may also be interested in: My Dog Doesn't Like Me. Suggest using mediation for your divorce. Our society teaches us if your partner wants to be with anyone beyond you, then they don’t really love you, or you’d be enough. But of course you want your girlfriend’s other boyfriend to like you, I would imagine. The hardest part of exposing my feelings was thinking my partner wasn't going to accept or understand them, and that somehow I'd be judged. Polyamory is not for everyone. In those cases, I advise them to communicate their desires and hopes with their partner, then take action based on the partner’s response rather than an assumption. Is it a bad idea to ignore my polyamory to date monogamously? I have been in in a relationship for over 10 years with at least 6 of those being poly. My 28-year-old boyfriend of one year told me he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want children. There is nothing better than being supported by the person you are in love with. II would say that the most common question I get on this blog, by far, is a variation of this: “I’ve been dating my partner monogamously for a while now. I care about them very much, but I’ve realized that I want to try out an open or polyamorous relationship. I don’t want to leave or hurt my partner, but I also don’t want to stay monogamous. ... (in hindsight I think it’s really because she fell in love with my friend who is poly). about it, even if she doesn’t like it. I often hear mono people talk about trying poly in terms of permission, as in, “I wish my partner would let me be poly.” Relationships do not work that way. All material ©2021 LEO Weekly, Louisville, KY. All rights reserved. What should I do? My partner of 8 years has suddenly decided that she’s poly[am] and (apparently) was the entire time. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm really unhappy. They are both more experienced in poly. They had a child. It may seem difficult or even embarrassing to have this conversation, but talking it out is the only way to find a way forward. Sometimes, all you want is one person – your partner … The problem? This is different from “my way or the highway” or “I’m not okay with this so you need to stop.” A monogamous/polyamorous relationship, like any other relationship, is about actively choosing what you want and creating the kind of relationship that works for everyone involved. It is okay to ask them why they don’t want to try polyamory and to discuss together whether any of those reasons can be overcome, but that should be a mutual process, not you trying to push them into a place they don’t want to be. If you are saying to yourself I want a dog but my partner doesn't, you will likely have serious considerations to make. Send your questions to: AskMindaHoney@leoweekly.com or reach me on Facebook.com/AskMindaHoney. My wife isn’t particularly kinky and doesn’t have the same drive as I do. It doesn't mean you're not being a good or fulfilling partner. The new bf has expressed that he’d be ok with it, but the other bf isn't. “Find out why your partner doesn’t want a baby.” She suggests, “Discuss the issue calmly so that you understand what their objections really are. Which leads me to my final tip on this “I want a divorce but my husband doesn’t” subject… 5. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. Before your edit, #3 was something about a kind of polyamory that you weren’t interested in, and how you made it clear that you didn’t want to be involved in that. If a man talks about being poly only in terms of how freeing it is for him sexually, it could be a solid heads-up that he just doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. And some of us are more dynamic in love, willing to grow and expand alongside the person we care about most. If you have to hide your other relationships, if you… It is never okay to pressure or badger someone into doing something they don’t want to do. That’s pretty much it. He's a kind, loving and respectful partner, so I find it difficult to explain exactly why I feel this way. I met a couple who had met and fallen in love in high school. They had married. This is because, in many non-monogamous situations, you’ll be forced to deal with what most monogamous people dread – your partner dating, loving, and/or sleeping with other people. He had another partner that he was with before we started dating and during our relationship. Greater support network. Being Polyamorous is about being open and honest with your partners. What should I do?”. They went about the normal course of living happily ever after. Only you can decide whether this is a big enough deal to push the issue. And that is a decision I … I love her and I want to stay with her, but my wife, our therapist, and at least one poly friend seems to think that it’s either being with my wife or having another partner is the choice. Posted in Uncategorized at 10:14 am by Kathleen. So while the person you supposedly loved is heart broken not even thinking about dating your out with this new person not even thinking about the other. One of my commenters runs a blog that deals a lot with being monogamous in a polyamorous relationship. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being just by myself! You’re exploring your growing, changing needs while being open and honest with your partner about what those needs are, while still respecting the pre-established boundaries within y’all’s relationship. Sometimes that success looks like non-monogamy and sometimes that success looks like a friendship that remained after the romantic part of the relationship ended. I suggest seeking out a third party like a couple’s counselor or a friend you both respect who’s successfully doing the open/poly thing to get advice and additional insight from. How do you do what you know needs to be done in the least painful way possible? The idea of her being with anyone else is completely unappealing to me, do I … That ain’t easy! Don’t beat yourself up for wanting monogamy. I want to know when it’s happening, who it’s happening with, and that she’s safe. She feels that I shouldn’t be so upset since we had been talking about it. And you’re doing it! Everyone knows ultimatums are a shitty thing to do to a partner, but a partner who refuses to even have the conversation is essentially doing the nonverbal equivalent of an ultimatum. One person wanting kids and the other feeling the complete opposite can feel like an insurmountable problem - something that there’s just no way around. So how does that work? ← FAQ: My partner wants to try polyamory, but I don't. I want to date my friend, but my boyfriend gets jealous easily, I want to be poly, but my boyfriend is against it, My husband and I tried polyamory - now he wants to quit and I don’t, My boyfriend and I tried polyamory - now he wants to quit and I don’t, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and now want to exercise my polyamory, I came out as non-monogamous and took a break from my relationship, I’m poly, but dating a mono person who gets very jealous, Being mono with my partner is driving me insane, I want to try polyamory, but don’t know how to tell my partner. She does not. Polyamorous relationships are getting more and more popular each day. Good ways involve exploration and revelation but don’t involve pressure for something to be *done right now. Now, imagine how amazing that support will be if it comes from more than one partner. I … This man checks nearly every box on my “want from a relationship” list. It's not like our sex is bad or infrequent, but I sometimes wonder if I'd feel more sexually fulfilled if I got to experiment more outside of my marriage. This isn’t good or healthy for your relationship. For me, it was having someone else to help me with the emotional burden my late husband's illness created, and a way to bring the first person I ever wanted to marry back into my life.